You open Instagram and discover that someone you went to university with has bought a house. Another friend is getting married. Someone else has been promoted, started a business, or announced that they’re expecting a baby.
Meanwhile, you’re still trying to figure out what you want to do with your life.
Perhaps you’re happy with some parts of it. You have meaningful relationships, a job you reasonably enjoy, or a city you like living in. Yet there’s this uncomfortable feeling that you should somehow be further ahead.
The invisible timeline we’re comparing ourselves to
Many of us grow up with an idea of how life is supposed to unfold.
We study, find a stable job, establish a relationship, become financially independent, and perhaps buy a house or start a family.
Of course, these milestones don’t follow the same order for everyone. Some people don’t want certain milestones at all.
Yet the expectation that life should progress in a particular direction can remain surprisingly powerful.
Psychologists sometimes refer to these shared expectations as social clocks: culturally influenced ideas about when important life events are supposed to happen.
When our lives don’t follow the expected timeline, we may interpret the difference as a personal failure, even when our circumstances or priorities are entirely different.
Whose expectations are you carrying?
From a systemic perspective, our ideas about success develop within relationships, families, and wider social environments.
Perhaps financial stability was especially important in your family because money was often a source of uncertainty. Maybe academic achievement was strongly encouraged, or marriage was considered an essential part of adulthood.
These expectations aren’t necessarily harmful. They may reflect the values, hopes, and experiences of people who care about us.
But sometimes we continue measuring ourselves against expectations that no longer fit the lives we’re building.
For internationals living in Maastricht or elsewhere abroad, this can become particularly complicated.
You might compare yourself with friends back home who have established careers, families, or property, while you’ve spent years adapting to a new country, language, and professional environment.
Those experiences require time and effort, even if they don’t appear on the conventional list of achievements.
Comparison rarely tells the whole story
When we compare ourselves with others, we usually compare visible outcomes rather than the circumstances behind them.
We see the house, not necessarily the financial support that made it possible. We see the career progression, but not the compromises involved. We see the relationship milestone, without knowing much about the relationship itself.
And we often overlook our own progress because it doesn’t resemble the progress we expected to make.
Learning to live independently, recovering from a difficult period, developing meaningful friendships, or changing direction after discovering what doesn’t suit you may be significant achievements.
Making room for your own timeline
Feeling behind can sometimes point towards something important. Perhaps there are goals you genuinely want to pursue, decisions you’ve been postponing, or circumstances you’d like to change.
But there is a difference between wanting something because it matters to you and pursuing it because you feel embarrassed not to have achieved it yet.
Exploring that distinction can be valuable, including in therapy when comparison or uncertainty begins affecting your wellbeing.
The aim isn’t to stop having ambitions or convince yourself that every situation is ideal.
It’s to develop a relationship with your own choices that leaves room for growth without constantly treating your present life as insufficient.
A question to reflect on
If nobody could see or evaluate your progress, which parts of your life would you still want to change?
Further exploration
In the TED Talk Why some of us don’t have one true calling, writer Emilie Wapnick explores the experience of having multiple interests and not necessarily following one clearly defined career path.
Although the talk focuses primarily on professional identity, it offers a refreshing perspective on the assumption that everyone should have one obvious direction in life.
TED Talk
Anna-Maria Sakellariou is a Psychologist NIP at Therapy Sofa, an English-speaking psychology practice in Maastricht for individuals and couples. Her approach is informed by systemic psychotherapy.